i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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