The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
