I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
