Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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