I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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