Apparently you make a good broom.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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