I wanna bring you to show and tell
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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