Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Drunk is not a location!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
