we have officially lost it.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
