all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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