Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
