I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
