just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
