never play flip cup with pint glasses
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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