you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
