Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
