actually, I'm a sock model
Four minutes until I can fart!
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
