In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
