I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
