I just made out with a guy for $7.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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