Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
