Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
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My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
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Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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