there was a trapeze. enough said
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
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They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
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I don't want my vagina anymore.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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