so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
