I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
do herpes really smell.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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