Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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