onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
We are two peas in an std pod
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
