She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
