So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
