home. puking in laundry basket.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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