Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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