She's JV to your varsity
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
