I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
