Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
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my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
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she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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