you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
