im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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