I puked a lego.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
