I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
