Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm really busy with my period
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