shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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