so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
