I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
