My sheets look like a crime scene.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
