i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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