I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
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Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
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I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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