someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Randomize
