just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
