You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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