I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
