hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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