So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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