he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
