So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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