If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
