I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize