I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
