I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
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I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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