sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
